Love Of My Life
A letter to you,
In one of my favorite films, ‘Across the Universe’ there is a scene that has stuck with me for many years and that has shaped a large part of my opinion. (funny how a single line from a fictional film I admire, can do so much- terrifying actually). I found the dialogue from the scene on reddit, it goes like this;
“I’m never having children.”
“Really?”
“No. Think about it, it’s pure narcissism. I mean, people putting out little carbon copies of themselves, going: “Oh, doesn’t he have his father’s eyes? Doesn’t he have his mother’s lips?” It’s.. It’s disgusting.”
This was my exact thoughts from sophomore year of high school till June of 2020. It’s weird to me how- despite all of the chaos, hate, and increasing rate of human population on a planet that cannot be replaced- that people would still desire to have a child… or 6. Im nauseous imagining our world in just 10 years. I see sky scrapers where trees used to stand, reddish grey sky where birds would fly, and fear where love should be. But then I met Ted.
Ted, although he tries, can’t keep track of anything. Even the sticky note on which I wrote my name and number. I never was able to summon up the courage to approach anyone before, yet something possessed my mind and body that day. I remember floating across third place books and up to the cake display that he was behind and shakily telling him that he was cute then asking to give him my number. After waiting a few minutes that felt like a life time, I barged into my sisters room where I stated “Welp! Just got the balls to give a guy my number and I haven’t heard anything! There’s my attempt at love! I give up!” It took him 6 months to find me on Facebook… where he told me that he lost my number seconds after I handed it to him. I will never let him forget that.
Luckily for you…we made up for lost time and the life we share was definitely worth the wait. Ted is seriously my best friend and it just so happens that I really enjoy looking at him too. His mom says she loves hearing us cracking up in the morning and giggling at night. I feel there is nothing that connects two souls better than the teary eyed, hunched over in pain, make-your-cheeks hurt kind of laughter that we share. Second to that would be the fruition of our past experiences/traumas exploding outward into the present moment…then being wrapped in compassion and met with a listening ear. I thought about deleting my postings about my previous struggle and relationships but I realized the only real thing to do is keep them. Let whomever should read them know that for me, finding my person hasn’t been an easy task. I didn’t stay with the first person I fell for. I didn’t allow myself to loose touch with what I needed or what I deserved… maybe at some low points, yes, but I always found my way back. The path that coincides with all that speaks to my soul is the path that brought me right into Ted’s arms… That place is home to me. You know the feeling. The warmth, the rhythm of his heart beat, the smell of cut trees on his neck, a protective arm around your shoulders, and his bread like velcro. I will never stop feeling so lucky to have chosen the path I did and all without knowing the outcome would be you.
Today on November 16, 2020 there is a new covid 19 mandate in Washington state prohibiting groups of 5 or more, its Monday and raining so the carpenters are playing on repeat in my head, Biden is the new president of the United States following Trumps horrific presidency, you are the size of the original polly pocket doll (1.6″) and currently a resident at The Hotel Sydney in my uterus. Yup! That means breakfast in bed everyday and you can control almost everything I’m feeling! Todays ailments are…Nausea, extreme sense of smell, mild head aches, and belly button cramps. Even with all that, I’ve never been happier in my life. I finally understand what they say when they speak of “a mother’s love”. It really is something so different from any other feeling. It’s like all the appreciation for life and all of its uncertainty but with a dash of fear and excitement, topped with a dollop of every moment I’ve ever felt love for anyone in my life. The most intense feeling of Love in my life. Its so overwhelming at times that tears begin to well up over the most mundane things. For example, a tiny new leaf forming on my house plant or the glow of sunlight shining over my cat sleeping innocently on the couch. Because of the way I started this post, I feel I must confess that yeah… you were unexpected but I haven’t felt a single moment of confusion as to if I wanted you. I know your father feels the same.
The day we found out about you was October 3rd, 2020 (which was my fathers birthday)! We had just come back from a car camping trip in Cape Disappointment and the night before, I was feeling extremely nauseas- like I couldn’t keep anything down. When I told your auntie Sas about my tummy issues, her eyes widened and she said “are you sure you’re not–” I cut her short with “Im sure Sas!” But that wasn’t the only time she did things like that saying things like “Kota needs a cousin!” and “have you stopped using birth control yet?” But the next day the nausea hadn’t quit and my period was MIA (lol literally) so Ted sat on his chair on the front porch waiting while I peed on a stick.
I yelled “UHHHH TED?!?!?” from the toilet then came running out holding a positive pregnancy test. I immediately started to cry and so did he. He wrapped me up in his arms and we cried together, staring at the plus sign. After a moment of emotion, we decided we needed to be absolutely sure before going any further so I took a second test. I sat pants down on the toilet watching as the first line darkened. This took longer for some reason… then I felt a feeling of despair, the test was negative. Then, ever so slowly, the second line came creeping through the first… in that moment, a smile broke out on my face, and relief coursed through my body. I want this baby. I’ve wanted you from the very beginning.
Thought Vomit 